Get Ready, Movie Fans, It’s Shitember!
Every movie fan knows that summer movie season draws to a close sometime between the middle and end of August; I think Fright Night pretty much closed it out this year. Starting in October (amidst what seems to be an ever-decreasing number of forgettable but enjoyable horror flicks), studios will be releasing the films that they think will get Oscar attention. Some of these will spend too much time cloying for the Academy nod to be enjoyable, but a good chunk of them will be really good movies.

Those of you who are familiar with modern American timekeeping will, of course, note that between these two periods lies the month of September, which we’re just entering. That’s when studios release that stuff that doesn’t have the starpower or visual effects to compete with Conan and Captain America and is far too devoid of artistic merit for even a bought Academy member to vote for. If you love movies but hate yourself, September’s the month for you! Here’s what’s in store for you:

September 2: Apollo 18
This is another one of those fake documentaries like Blair Witch or Cloverfield, which in my book is strike one against it. The footage purports to show NASA’s secret final visit to the moon and <spooky announcer voice> why we didn’t go back! So basically, this is shaping up to be the first fifteen minutes of Transformers 3, only without any actual Transformers. IMDB lists both of the actors as “uncredited.” Not sure if that’s due to a dumb marketing maneuver, a scheme to get around SAG pay scales, or just the actors saying “hey, how about you just leave our names out of this?”
What It Wants To Be: Apollo 13 meets Aliens
What It Will Probably Be: Paranormal Activity in SPAAAAAAACEEEEEE!!!!!!
Recommendation: Just go see Shark Week 3-D instead. It’s a gorefest about sharks eating people (in 3-D!), but at least they’re not trying to pretend that a worn-out framing device that rarely works is something edgy and new. If you’re really curious about Apollo 18, you can probably get the same experience by watching random excerpts from Discovery Channel shows about the space program while a guy  wearing a rubber alien suit hits you in the crotch repeatedly with a hammer.

September 9: Contagion
This one worries me not in spite of its star power, but because of it. Even though the cast is largely made up of people whose careers have likely peaked, the need to bring so many turn-of-the-century big names on board makes me worry that the plot’s a little thin. Also, based on the preview, the only two who might not be completely phoning it in are John Hawkes and that dude who played Veronica Mars’ dad. Worse still, Soderbergh is kind of hit-or-miss as a director, and this film looks like Roland Emmerich trying to do a remake of Outbreak while pretending he’s Robert Altman. It might turn out ok, but I’m skeptical.
What It Wants To Be: I’m not sure Soderbergh has any idea. Is it a drama? A thriller? A disaster movie? For most of the actors, I think the answer is “how I’ll pay for that boat I’ve been wanting to get.”
What It Will Probably Be: Again, no clue. It could be good, or it could be two hours you’ll never, ever get back.
Recommendation: Unless Burke and Hare (Simon Pegg as half of the Victorian age’s most famous grave-robbing duo!) plays here, check it out. Your only other option is Warrior, which looks to be The Fighter  without all the heroin addiction and, you  know, acting.

September 16: I Don’t Know How She Does It
It’s a bit alarming how much the trailer for this movie pissed me off. The basic premise is that Sarah Jessica Parker is happily married, incredibly successful, and has overachieving kids...and it’s just really, really stressful! You know, I’m pretty sure there’s a chick in Marshall County or Ledbetter or somewhere with a special needs child and an abusive ex who’d trade in her double shifts at Wal-Mart and the meth lab next door for this  “stressful” life without a second thought. Once you get past the elitism of the premise, the rest of the movie seems every bit as uninspired as the decision to cast Sarah Jessica Parker as a vapid cunt.
What It Wants To Be: A modern-day 9 to 5.
What It Will Probably Be: An insult to Rosanne Barr’s entire career.
Recommendation: Piranha 3DD

September 23: Killer Elite
You may have heard of “on the tin advertising,” which basically means you get exactly what’s advertised. In the world of movies, this describes fine films like Snakes on a Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine. Killer Elite seems to be a variation on, or perhaps an evolution of, that concept. In this case, the basic idea seems to be “if we tell them what the movie is about, we don’t have to even bother giving it a good title.” If you hook two groups of guys up to state-of-the-art brain scanners and tell one group,  “We’re making a movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other. It’s called Killer Elite.” and tell the other group “We’re making a movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other. It’s called Photographs of President McKinley’s Hairy Nutsack,” the readouts for the two groups will be identical: Fuck yeah!
What It Wants To Be: A giant action movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other.
What It Will Probably Be: A giant action movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other.
Recommendation: Did you miss the part where Jason Statham and Clive Owen are trying to kill each other?

September 30: Courageous
This movie is from the makers of Fireproof, so I’m assuming that it, like Fireproof, will play at the Paducah Cinemark for months despite the fact that in by all rights it should be a straight to video release. Fortunately, this one doesn’t have the kind of star power (by which I mean Kirk Cameron) that Fireproof brought to the table, so hopefully it won’t hang around as long. Although I’ve never seen Fireproof, my understanding is about a heroic firemen who love God. Courageous, on the other hand, is about heroic policemen who love God. So this is a pretty radical departure for the film makers.
What It Wants To Be: An affirmation of Christ’s love and/or the inherent legitimacy of authority figures in uniform.
What It Will Probably Be: Wasting a screen that could be showing a perfectly good movie about tits and evil fish.
Recommendation: Hope something good’s playing at Maiden Alley. The only other new release this weekend that might be watchable is 50/50, which might not even play here. “50/50,” by the way, is both the title of the film and the ratio of good to bad leads (Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Seth Rogan)

Once the long dark teatime of the movie industry that is September ends, things will get better (or, in the case of Hugh Jackman in Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots: The Movie, bad in much more ridiculous and potentially amusing way). In addition to The Rum Diaries (which I hope will show up at Maiden Alley), October’s got at least one over-the-top action flick (the steampunk Three Musketeers movie), what could be a passable sci-fi flick starring Justin Timberlake (In Time), and a few remakes that might be worth seeing out of curiosity if nothing else (Footloose, The Thing). After that, the holiday movie season kicks into gear and there’ll be too many movies coming out to keep up with. Just don’t forget what’s really important this holiday season: seeing the new Muppet movie.

For those of you who've read this in the mag, you might have noticed that I did it in a hurry and didn't edit. This one should be a little more readable, plus there's a link to the Dr. Doom on a Unicorn T-Shirt.

It’s awards season, and there’s really no reason why people with informed opinions and credentials should have all the fun. Nominees for each category were selected by a panel of me and winners were decided by a vote of eligible members of the Manitoba Academy (also me). Where appropriate, I have provided commentary to further explain the award and/or decision.

Books & Comics
Literary Event of the Year: The release of Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1 by Mark Twain
How often does a guy who’s been dead for a century release a new book?

Book of the Year: Last Words: A Memoir by George Carlin and Tony Hendra
This books was actually released in November of 2009, but in the words of Carlin himself, “these are my rules, I make ‘em up.”

Best Short Story Collection: Who Fears The Devil?(Planet Stories) by Manley Wade Wellman, collected by Paizo Publishing
A collection of stories about John the Balladeer, an Appalachian troubadour who fights evil with his silver-stringed guitar. It’s like a Shack Shakers album in book form.

Most Inexplicable Literary Phenomenon: Steig Larsson’s The Girl Who Did Things series
I’ll admit I’ve only seen the movies, but I just don’t get it. I could see an argument that the girl of the title is a strong female character, but all her strength is rooted in victimhood, Swedish Hero Man ultimately saves her every time, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that she may in fact just be spank material for some dude named Steig. Also, I hear the writing’s pretty bad.

Most Still Alive Author: Dave Barry
Because I just realized that with the exception of Hendra, every author I’ve mentioned so far is dead.

Best New Comic: The Sixth Gun by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt
Awarded to the creative team with the most double consonants in their names.

Most Disappointing Character Death: Rupert Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight
If you’re going to kill a character whose been around since the beginning of the TV series, you really should make it count (and get a better artist to draw it).

Comic Book Character With Too Fucking Many Titles: Batman
Seriously, I can’t afford all this shit.

Worst Mini-Series of the Year: The Rise of Arsenal by J.T. Krul
It’s very likely that The Rise of Arsenal is, in fact, the worst comic mini-series ever. After his daughter is killed in a super-villain-caused disaster, Roy Harper (formerly Green Arrow’s heroin addict sidekick, Speedy, who at different times has also been known as Arsenal and Red Arrow), understandably loses his shit and starts doing a new drug called “China cat.” Some authors would have turned this into a poignant story of loss and redemption, but not J.T. Krul. In no time, Krul has Roy remembering the good ol’ days of drug use and gang rape with the ghost of his former dealer, and by issue 3 (arguably the worst comic ever written), Roy has his ex (and dead kid’s mother) tied up and is trying to have sex with her, but can’t get it up. So he goes out and beats up some homeless guys in order to protect a dead cat (that he thinks is his daughter). Then Batman shows up and beats the shit out of him while telling him, After-School Special style, “I’m your friend!” I’m sure I read beyond that, but at this point I’ve blocked it out. This mini-series managed to take a character who for decades has been merely uninteresting and make him unlikable and creepy.

Worst Ongoing Comic Series of the Year: Green Arrow by J.T. Krul
Fucking J.T. Krul. After he made us hate Arsenal, he was allowed to take on the re-launch of Green Arrow. The premise: well, Green Arrow’s sort of like Robin Hood, so he should be an outlaw in a forest. So, since a huge chunk of Star City has just been destroyed (in the catastrophe that killed Roy Harper's daughter and/or cat), why not have a magical forest spring up there, banish Green Arrow from Star City, and have him live in the forest? I’ll tell you why not, J.T. Because it’s fucking retarded. Green Arrow is my favorite super-hero, but I secretly hope for this title to be canceled.

Politics & Journalism
Reporter of the Year: Matt Taibbi (Rolling Stone)
For making Wall Street and banking schemes that were incomprehensible by design understandable to normal humans, and doing it in an entertaining way.

Best Political Blog: You Are Dumb (www.youaredumb.net)
For calling out stupid people for being stupid.

Best Kentucky Blogger: Joe Sonka of Barefoot & Progressive (http://barefootandprogressive.blogspot.com/)
For asking whether there will be dinosaurs on the ark.

Story of the Year: Jon Ronson’s interview with the Insane Clown Posse, in which they reveal that they are, and have always been, evangelical Christians.
Because a giraffe is a fucking miracle.

Stupidest Political Trend: The Left claiming that their rhetoric is just as hateful and violent as the Right’s.
Seriously. Quit it.

Funniest Political Story: Aqua Buddha
Remember, it’s funnier to the tune of Kool & The Gang’s “Jungle Boogie.”

Southern Hospitality Award: The City of Mayfield
For their acceptance of the Somali Muslims.

Gadsden Flag Award: Rand Paul
For protecting small business owners from the kind of government tyranny that would require them to serve black people.

Biggest Disappointment: The Mid-term Elections/The Obama Presidency (tie)
These are really two sides of the same coin, both proving that most Americans are stupid enough to believe that there’s a difference between the political parties. The truth is we’ve got one party: The Corporate Interest Party, which politically is somewhere to the right of nearly every single one of the first 39 Presidents. We need some variety. Next time around, lets elect some old school Democrats, old school Republicans, true Progressives, principled Libertarians, Environmental Nutjobs, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and METHODISTS!

Movies
Best Movie: True Grit

Best Use Of Gratuitous Violence In A Motion Picture: Machete

Triumph of the Year: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Those of us who have experienced the heartbreak of watching Lost In La Mancha were sure that Heath Ledger’s death would make this another Gilliam movie that never saw the light of day.

Tragedy of the Year: News that The Man Who Killed Don Quixote was once again on hold.
Seriously, why the hell won’t somebody just give Gilliam a big pile of money? Also, the film rights to Good Omens.

Worst Movie News: That they’re making a Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie without Joss Whedon.

Hudson Hawk Award: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe
The Hudson Hawk Award goes to the most awesome move of the year that most people just didn’t get.

What You See Is What You Get Award: Hot Tub Time Machine

Most Wasted Potential: The Expendables

Worst Casting Decision: Giving Ali Shawkat a role with almost no lines. (Runaways, which also totally dissed Lita Ford).

Most Gratuitously Ironic Ending In An Otherwise Very Good Movie: A Single Man

Worst Movie of the Year: Faster

Most Overdue Award: Jeff Bridges’ Oscar for Crazy Heart.

Music
Album of the Year: AgriDustrial, The Legendary Shack Shakers

Song of the Year: “Hoboes Are My Heroes” by The Legendary Shack Shakers
While the song is, in fact, great, the real reason the Shack Shakers get this award is for their early recognition of the fact that 2011 will be the Year of the Hobo. Hobos are going to be the new zombies, folks. Get ready for it.

Local Band of the Year: Uncle Skunkle & The Scarecrow Family Band
Long-time title-holders The Union Suit were edged out this year by Skunkle, in part because these guys played so damn many shows--hall shows, house parties, bar mitzvahs--Hell, if you didn’t lock your door there was a good chance you’d come home to find them setting up instruments in your living room. Also, I’m pretty sure they stole some of Trent Summar’s Hank Flamingo-era outfits, which has to count for something.

Miscellaneous
Celebrity Who Turned Out To Be Just Who We Always Hoped He Was: Bill Murray
As revealed in Dan Fierman’s GQ interview. The Daniel Clowes art was also a nice touch.

Most Talked About Geek Television Event: AMC’s The Walking Dead
Fucking Kirkman.

Meme of the Year: The “Bed Intruder Song” by Antoine Dodson & Autotune The News

T-Shirt of the Year: Topless Robot’s shirt featuring Dr. Doom riding a Unicorn

Role-Playing Game of the Year: American Artifacts (Hex Games)
There were a lot of worthy nominees in this category: Sex, Lies, & Ultraspies (Hex Games), Mars & Venus At War (Hex Games), Fratboys Vs. (Hex Games), and many others(mostly not Hex Games), but American Artifacts wins the prize.

Winner of ComicCon: Helen Miran, for her Harvey Pekar shirt.