Yay! Welcome to the naughty page! I am BellaBlue, your Love Guru. Why me, you ask? Muah. Ha ha. I am over-qualified, I tell you. A smattering of my qualifications, if you will: I have read hundreds of trashy romance novels, especially V.C. Andrews novels, though I suppose that only works if you want to have sex with your brother while being held captive by your evil grandmother. I have seen every HBO's Real Sex ever made. I won awards and accolades for my erotic poetry when I was sixteen. I posed for famous photographer Spencer Tunick – yes, nude, but tasteful nude. I have been in love no less than 20 times and with great enthusiasm. I’ve been to a swinger’s club, though I swear it was for an article, and let me tell you, swinger’s clubs aren’t nearly as hot as they sound. And you can’t sit anywhere, at least not without getting sticky. I was a professional dominatrix, have sold sex toys for a living, and even stripped on Amateur Night at P.T.'s in Louisville. Of course, no one told me you had to bribe the DJ to get good music, so instead of dancing to Pink Floyd’s “Young Lust” like I wanted, I had to dance to Michael Jackson’s “Black or White.” That was so bad. So Yes! Ask me anything, and though I might be absolutely full of shit, at least it will be entertaining.

Dear Bella, 

When I fell in love with my boyfriend, he was on the verge of graduating college and I was impressed by his intelligence, ambition, and dashing good looks. Now I find him sitting on the couch all day, drinking beer, getting chip crumbs in the couch, and talking stupidly into his PS3 mouthpiece as he kills imaginary things in quest for imaginary glory…and seriously, the telemarketer look guarantees we will not be having sex tonight. I asked him to do the dishes, and he said, “Well, I would have done them if you hadn’t said anything, but now I won’t.” And yes, I nag, and I hate it, but I’ve been working all day and in the time it takes me to argue with him that, yes, the trash is full, I could have taken it out myself and saved myself the sore throat. How do I encourage my boyfriend to get a life without all these arguments? I’m sick of simpering and cooing all to build up his self-esteem. I don’t have time - I have a real job.