Well, yes, it's about damn time I get on here and write something. Lord I don't even know where to begin!

I guess we can start with Christmas and go from there. This was a very stressful month because I didn't think the magazine would come out. Ya'll know I didn't have the money, flat out. Normally for Christmas my family gives us kids shit like fuzzy slippers and sports bras (which I ain't knockin, trust me) - but this year my dad sold his business and gave each of us kids $500. I started crying. If I hadn't gotten that, I don't know when this thing would have come out.

But Daddy saved the day. I also got a bunch of Oil of Olay wrinkle stuff (yes, I have one wrinkle - between my eyebrows from furrowing them so much!) and that shit is expensive. I also got a new nightgown, some underwear (nothing sexy) and all kinds of smelly good stuff. My fella got me some beaded earrings and a bracelet that kinda look like bullets. And since he's an ex-felon, it's very fitting.

I really wanted the issue out before Xmas so everyone who was in town for the holidays could take issues back home with them. Okay, and a little evil petty part of me wanted all the fuckers I went to high school with, who every year loved going in Jeremiah's and calling me "waitress," to see that I started my own fucking newspaper. Grr. Speaking of evil HS people, I ran into a preppy asshole I went to school with, one of the people who called me "Kmart girl" when I was like 7, at KC's when I was out with Ann and Hartson the weekend after New Year's. You know how that line is, it's a motherfucker. Gail is usually the only bartender and it takes 45 minutes to get a drink.

Well, this asshole, we'll call him "Jake" - came up and started talking to me. Now, he's tried to be friendly with me a couple of times since HS, but it's like, "Hey, do a shot with me. I'll buy it!" and I'll warily say, "Okay..." then he'll shove $20 in my hand and say, "Go get us four." And this was when I wasn't working. Fucker. The first thing he always says is, "Why do you think I'm such an asshole? I swear I'm not an asshole anymore. Hell, I'm about to be a father." So I'm like, "Okay, that's cool. People can change." Then he says, "Man, look at those hot Asian bitches over there." Somuch for change.

Anyway, he basically wants to cut line and since we're two back from the front, he offers to buy us all drinks and shots so he wouldn't have to wait. Ann and Hartson were like, "Hell yeah!" and I said - "Fuck no. This asshole motherfucker has bought his way out of every fuckup or inconvenience in his life and bygod I am NOT letting him cut this goddamn line, I don't care if he buys us TEN fucking shots!" Well, of course he started getting shitty with me, and Ann and Hartson outvoted me, and I was fuming. They were like, he's just being nice, get over it, fuck it let the asshole buy us drinks.... And he and I proceeded to call each other "bitch" and "asshole" all night, respectively.

But someone did almost kick his ass in the parking lot, so I'm not the only one who hates him lol.

Earlier that evening we were having a great time. We went and saw The Dirt Daubers at Mother Duncan's and there was just a cool, great crowd. J.D. Wilkes from Th' Legendary Shack Shakers, his wife Jessica, and their friend Layne play some kick-ass old-timey bluegrass, going from spiritual songs that actually touch me like "I'll Fly Away" to ass-shakin' boot stompin' stuff like "The Devil Gets His Due." I LOVE them, and think they are cool as hell. At one point Jessica was like, "I could use a shot!" so I bought the whole band a round of Beam to show my appreciation for their quality entertainment. It was just like back in the day at Jeremiah's, holding a tray high and passing out shots. lol

I got to talk to them after the show, and just found out J.D. has been nominated for a Grammy for the song "Swamp Blood" on the True Blood Soundtrack. Pretty badass! He wants to do some cartoons for Bazooka (and yes, I am creaming about it), but we're also going to do a couple of stories on them. Hopefully a big one in April because the Shack Shakers are coming to Murray! I would love for them to come to Paducah, but they just have a better home base there. The Big Apple was their place. That's one show I will haul my ass down the dreaded 641 for - I hate that goddamn road.

Speaking of the issue, I did fuck up pretty bad. All my posturing and bitching about the City Council and the "powers that be" and I put the wrong fucking date in the story. I could just punch my dumbass in the mouth. Oh well. I've told ya'll a million times that I'm unorganized.

But the guys from Paducah Moon said it still did some good, that because of the story and my reposting of the YouTube thing they had about 15 people there, which is a good crowd for them. They said that Coleman apologized to the Vietnam Vet, Ronnie, and suggested that the council take comments after every vote, and Paxton said something like he'd run the meetings as he sees fit. Dude, aren't you supposed to listen to the community BEFORE you make a big vote? This...makes no sense.

Speaking of stuff in this issue, Geekfest is looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be held on Jan 29th at Gamer's Paradise and there'll be a Magic Tournament, some RPG's, some old school video games, door prizes, a costume contest, the Bazooka girls, and probably some Rollergirls, too. Pat has also said we can have the afterparty/overflow at Mother Duncan's which is like half a block away if that, and that we can even set up video games on her TV's in the lounge. Which, yes, means you get to drink and play with your friends! I'm going to find Killer Instinct if it kills me. Ann and I used to drink Absolut and Sunny D and play the shit out of that game at Joey's house. And when one of us started winning the other would start elbowing and kicking her, attempting to "fuck up her game." We were queens of button mashing, and I don't think it will be any different at Geekfest.

If I'm a little on the grumpy side in the near future, it's due to a diet. I've slowly gained so much freaking wait over the years and I'm just sick of it. I hate my body. I know I'll never look *great* - two C-sections will make sure of that, but I will at least look good in clothes! I honestly think my face is prettier now that it was in my 20's. It's like I've grown into it. Yes, I'll lose some boobs, and after I lose the wait I might even have a reduction. Dude, I know you boys are crying right now, but fuck - my neck, back, and shoulders have paid a heavy price over the years. They absolutely kill me. I've seriously had to have physical therapy and still get shots in my neck and shoulders every few months. Part of that is an old car wreck injury, but the 30 lbs of boobs don't help. And for your info, and I rarely give this out, I'm a 40G. Yes, I said G. They're gorgeous for their size, nice and firm, and I'll be sad....hell, I don't know. Maybe I couldn't live without the bouncy beautiful fuckers.

I get comments on them all the time. Good comments and bad ones. I don't mind when guys say, "Damn, nice boobs." That is a compliment. Even something like, "Holy shit. You have amazing cleavage" or whatever. I'm okay with that. But when guys are like, "Gawd, how big are them titties?" or "Those are some tig ol' bitties" or  something of that nature, that I think is rude. It's like a social contract, guys. I'm nice enough to show off my beautiful bosom so you have something to think about during lonely winter nights and in exchange for that you only say nice, polite things about them. And say them to me, not all your buddies at the bar or the room in general. Or if you do, please just say it quietly and not embarrass the shit out of me.

Speaking of embarrassing, when you google "Bella Bazooka" - the SECOND hit you get is the blowjob article. So yeah, the number two thing I'm associated with is a story that's third sentence is "I'm a cock hungry whore." Even though it was said a humorous, chargrinned, self-depracating way, yeah - it looks bad. Which is why I get emails that start out, "How's my favorite Paducahan cock hungry whore?" and I can't even bitch about it.

I probably need to write a Sex in the Sticks about how I'm not nearly the slut I used to be lol. Or I am, it's just saved for one dude now. I know, I'm giving you boys all kinds of reasons to cry today. I know I used to be bad, hell, I used to brag about what a slut I was. I figured if I said it first, then if anyone came along and called me a slut or a whore I could just give them a deadpan look and say, "I know. I said it first. I win."

But in reality, I might have done more than my share of screwing around, but I never fucked around with guys who had girlfriends, or fucked guys to make them like me. I had sex because, duh, I really really liked sex. But the older I've gotten, I've realized that I was losing a part of myself by sharing myself so easily. I had some rough times and to help my sanity even went celibate for a whole year. Yep ...a YEAR. And it was by choice. I know dudes that have gone that long, but they would have fucked a cat if it would have stayed still. I had offers all over the place and turned it down.

And for all my posturing, I'm so not a nympho. I like sex in a healthy good way, but I can go without it. There are plenty of times I'm not in the mood, just like most people. But yeah, sometimes I'm a horny bitch, too. I'm such a Gemini.

I'm also a long-winded motherfucker! Whew! i've written a novel! But I haven't been on here in a long time, so I figured you guys deserved at least a bit of my time. As always, you can catch me on Facebook under Bella Bazooka. I never have time to put pics on here but I have a couple of thousand over there. And please fill out some Best of Paducah polls for me! Sheesh. That might end up being "Bella's Best of Paducah" poll lol.

Catch you on the flipside, homies!

<3 Bella