Well, the drawing of the Win a Date with Bella contest was fairly successful, at one point I was being motorboated by two chicks from Farley while their husbands watched 'cause they knew it would make 'em jealous. That started a whole motorboating trend - I've got pictures.

The night began all fucked up. I was running late (I know, can you believe it?) and man you just can't trust those thigh highs that are supposed to stay up on their own. So here I am about to walk into the Shell on Lone Oak Road to buy smokes and batteries and the damn thing is sliding down my freezing leg so I'm pulling my dress up with my leg out the door of the Jeep just flashing my junk to the world. Ginny said we got some looks. Then while I was fucking with them I got a run in the suckers and was like "Fuck it!"

So I went next door to Kmart and just got four pair. Now boys can just rip them off me, and I'll have a spare. :) The outlaw I'm messin round with does have a thing for stockings. What boy doesn't?

Which everyone, including my mother, gave me shit about going out to raffle off a date with myself and then making plans to screw Jon silly afterward. But dude, yes I'm going to sound defensive because I just am lol. Now, I'm not comparing myself to Jessica Simpson or Salma Hayek or anything, but if you won a date with one of those lovely ladies, would you seriously think, "Man, she better be seein' nobody else 'cause this woman is mine!"

It's just a date, I AM single even though I have been seen quite often in the company of the aforementioned sexy felon, but I swear, the boy who's taking me out will totally have a chance to sweep me off my feet. Take your best shot, baby. ;)

I know, I know, you want to know who won. We'll get to that! So Ginny and I headed down to Duncan's and ordered a couple of Captain and Cokes and two Red Headed Sluts right off the bat. It's a shot, quit getting your dick all twitchy.

There were a few men around checking me out...it's weird, because someone knows you, has seen your picture, but you don't know them. Not only that but they've read some really intimate shit about me! They know I like the back of my neck bitten, that I wear honeysuckle perfume, that those stockings on my legs are thigh highs....it's kinda hot. For a flaming exhibitionist. One guy even told me that he would think of me later on in bed. I was like, whoa dude, lol. Nice compliment, but a little much for the first meeting. Buy me a shot at least. lol

But, I took it for the praise that it was, and my boobs did look lovely. The bar had sold about 7 tickets from people off the street, the cook was like, "My buddy bought me one, I better win!" Then while we were there we created enough of a stir that I sold about 10 more, so I think there were about 35 tickets or so total sold. Not too bad! And only a few of them were my friends who felt obligated.

Steve, our web guy, and Brian Steffen were there to cheer me on - very sweet. Ran into Jo from Doe's and the other Joe (cute cute cute Joe who is heartbreakingly not into boobs but still thinks I have great taste in men) - plus Walter and shit just a ton of people. Oh, Lorin the adorable one herself was there, we traded stories about our criminal-ass families.

They bought me drinks and made me get on stage an announce the fucking thing. Man, I know it doesn't seem it, I'm really good in small groups, but in front of crowds, I'm a little shy! Not to mention here I am saying, "Oh yeah, I'm hot shit, buy a chance at a date with me!" Ugh. I hate it. I focused on the good it was doing for the magazine and the charity.

They looked at me like I was nuts.

So I ran back into the other room and had another shot. Finally, the time had come. We just decided to do it right there by the bar, no microphone or anything - I let Brian hold the santa hat we put it in and Ginny pulled out a name and it was......Kevin Henson! Some guy I totally don't know and didn't even sell a ticket to, he bought it from Duncan.

LOL Crazy right? This guy next to me was like, "Holy shit, I know him! I'm going to call him right now!" We tried to call be we got his voicemail, I think I'm going to try to call him again right now in a minute. Which I'm glad it was a real fan, and not someone I knew, because I kinda felt like that would have been cheating (even though you motherfuckers had every opportunity to buy tickets and give a little support to the mag! Bitches.)

But I just talked to the guy on the phone, man this is gonna be a hoot. Ya'll are definitely going to like this story. I have a feeling I'm going to get myself in trouble. I'll end up hogtyin' a motherfucker before the date's through. Can I have a chaperone?

The drawing was a little bit of a letdown just because so many people were sad! That made me feel pretty good though.They were really crushed! lol I promise somehow, somewhere I'll make time for all my babies! Or at least let you motorboat me.

So everyone started heading to Moe's and I had some fuckin to do so I called Jon and sent everyone on their way. Hung out with Shawn from Roof Bros for a bit, and then this dude from Lone Oak, who was a few years ahead of me and CRAZY popular, like class president and all that, who has never said a WORD to me even though me and his little brother are really good friends - all of a sudden came up and started going on and on about the paper! How awesome it was, asking me how things are going, what's up in my life, all that. I'm like, dude, really? Tell your brother I said hey.

So when Jon came by I was just sitting there with Shawn and he was like, "Man I thought you'd be surrounded by motherfuckers. There's nobody here." I was like, "Dude I WAS surrounded like an hour ago! Shee-it. I didn't really want the outlaw I'm fuckin to walk in right in the middle of my ass-selling contest."

Then we went back to his place and since I've been so sick and we hadn't had any fun in a week - fucked each other silly. We almost got into some kinky "oh yeah? if you want some of this pussy then you have to throw me down and take it" shit - which makes me squirm just thinking about it...but fuck I was exhausted! I just didn't have it in me. Uh, well no I did have IT in me but you know what I mean.

I may have to cut that short, save the rest for Sex in the Sticks forum. I'm feeling really raunchy today! lol Didn't get home until 6:30 and am just beat. Tonight I'm going over there with the kids and we're cooking burgers, renting a movie (any suggestions?) and tomorrow we're taking the kids to shoot bow and arrows at LBL and there's a bonfire cookout thing at Turtles tomorrow to celebrate the kickoff of duck hunting season. Yep, some redneck motherfuckers. I love it. Give me some real men any day. Not saying you're not a real man if you can't tell the difference between a duck or a doe - but dude, it helps. Seriously. We went to the huge Bass Pro Shop at Opry Mills Mall the other day and when he was showing me all the beautiful .50 caliber handguns, I'll admit, I got a little wet. Ride or die bitches are like that, homie.

Anyway, I'll go write some detailed scandalous shit over in the forum maybe, need to cook some lunch...ya'll have a lovely Saturday and thanks so much to everyone who bought a ticket and supported the magazine! THEY have back scratches and booby hugs coming to them, the rest of you are shit out of luck. Next time, buy a ticket.