| Trader's Mall - Redneck Watching and White Trash Gifting at its best. |
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Rain Concert
| Written by chrystal galloway |
| Sunday, 29 November 2009 17:28 |
|
I know this isn't a very popular sentiment this time of year, but dude, I fucking love Christmas. I see the multi-colored Christmas lights flicking on in the dusk and the shimmer like a thousand bar lights lighting up the dark night and I just start bouncing in my seat! Give me some hot chocolate spiked with Kahlua and that's a good night out. I love the baking of sugar cookies, the buying or making of thoughtful gifts, and decorating the tree, even though that always sounds like more fun than it turns out being, and my mom and I fight every year about icicles. She hates the mess, I say a tree just isn't done 'til it has icicles on it. Granted, it sucks being broke this time of year. And yes, we are all broke. That's why one of my favorite places to shop is Trader's Mall! If you've never been, I shudder to think of all the cheesy gift-giving and quality redneck watching you've missed out on. I did an article years ago about all the white-trashy ass things you could buy for your friends, such as LED belt-buckles with 8-inch screens, so you could write "Stop Looking At My Dick" on there and wear it with pride. I love white-trashy shit, and not just in an ironic, hipster, "this is so bad it's good" kinda way, but also in an "I'm a fucking redneck and I like rednecky shit" kinda way. Several times a year I make a point to get up around noon, head pulsing with a hangover, go eat a greasy spoon breakfast, pour a PBR in a big foam cup and go shopping at Traders Mall. Take exit 16 off I-24, you can't miss it. Some things you just can't miss. There's a huge booth, you can find it because it's the only one with blow-guns, and has a rack with DEA and FBI hats right in front of it. It's like this great catalouge I accidentally got in the mail, called Bud K - you have to prepare for your next nighttime special ops mission. Well, that booth has these pen knives, like, they actually work like real pens, but you pull it apart and there is a deadly little 3 inch stilletto blade inside. I love that thing, I buy one for all my girls. If you love costume jewelry, you're in luck. Who needs overpriced diamonds from the mall? I'll take a created. multi-faceted, irridescent baby blue sparkly the size of my thumb over a lameass "Journey" pendent any day. You can find vintage costume or even nice stuff but my favorite, and damn if I can't think of their name now, is a little booth that has a lot of loose stones that makes their own jewelry and they find just the oddest, coolest stuff. Of course, you can buy your family gifts there as well. They sell hematite bracelets for your Aunt Marty who has that bad ankle from dancing at the Bunny Club for so many years. Beer steins that advertise everything from Schiltz Light to "This glass was stolen from Mabel's Whorehouse in Kansas City, MO." They have those shadow box lamps with the wolves and Indians inside, and if you're super cool you can get the ones with Dragons and wizards inside! Tell my you've never walked into a member of your family's trailer and not seen one of those huge throws with a picture of a tiger or wolf on it thrown over the stained couch. With a Budweiser pillow in the corner and shelf of die-cast number 3 Nascar cars under glass over it. Fuck yeah - that's decoratin'. And I find other truly awesome stuff. My best find so far has been a vintage Budweiser belt buckle, with the Clydesdale horses carved in bronze and the deep blues and reds of the sky, mountains, and Budweiser logo in a glossy, jewel-toned resin and that thing is THE SHIT. You have no idea how many punk rockers, lesbians, and irony-seeking hipsters have tried to buy that thing off me. I actually got it for my dad for Father's Day one year, but it's mine now. My mom and I actually had a sex-toy booth there for a little bit - and that's a whole 'nother story. But seriously, I can't tell you all the cool and just funny shit there is out there. My fave "so white trash it's bad" find was this little 8-inch in diameter glass clock with a picture of Jesus on the cross. It had LED lights in it, and they surrounded Jesus and SHOT OUT FROM HIS HANDS. Yes, blood splurting in bright red flashing lights. I'm like, what is this, disco dyin' Jesus? Is Jesus at Studio 54 matching the beat with spurts of blood? Oh my god, you have to see it to believe it. I bought it and made it the number one gift at my baby shower. But you can find great cheap little presents for friends, too. Like they have incense burners and candle holders, little "jade" buddha's and dragons, like 6 for $3. For anyone who likes white-trashy stuff of course there's the motherload, but lots of vintage little items or antiques are there, too. Paper backs for a quarter, old nintendo games for us brokeass people who just pulled our old ones down out of the closet for our kids to play with. Cheap cheap CHEAP stuff! I love cheap. I am a bargain-hunting bitch. When your friends open their gift-bag and pull out the disco pot-leaf lighter with matching coffin cigarette case, they'll be so awed they won't even think about you only spending five bucks. You can have a secret Santa solstice party to see who can find the most atrocious shit. Or hell, they used to have a chick who sold pipes and one-hitters for all you potheads out there. Or you, you fuckin hippie. I'm probably going to rework this and make it an article for the next issue, but I wanted to make sure the true fans got a heads up on it. And it's not just for Christmas, Traders Mall is good fun any time of the year. But man, it's only this time of year the rednecks actually drag their Aunt Merlene out of the back bedroom and strap her down onto one of the many wheelchairs provided by Traders Mall for the morbidly obese, or the rare occasion that Uncle Cletus gets to go into town as long as he promises not to sniff the benches, so yeah....this is a holiday treat sure to become an annual tradition in your house, as well. :) |
| Last Updated on Wednesday, 09 December 2009 08:34 |
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