As Jim Morrison pointed out decades ago, people are strange, and nothing proves the Lizard King’s point better than Craigslist. If you’ve ever gotten bored and browsed through the “best of” section of the site (http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/), you’ve probably seen some pretty weird shit. Some of the strange posts are most likely intended as jokes, but some of them are just too perfect in the details to be anything less than genuine. I decided to check out our local (Western Kentucky) Craigslist listings to see what kind of strange posts I could find. Below are some of the most amusing (with errors left intact), along with my smart-ass comments.

Re: Wanted: Hedgehog
Are you sure a hedgehog is the right pet for you? Especially if you have not been employed for three months, not trying to get on you or anything, just as being a previous hedgehog owner myself just wanted you give you a heads up on what all goes into the care of a hedgehog in case you do not know already.

Not much is known about hedgehogs yet as they have not been in captivity for very long, so they are prone to a whole mess of diseases and ailments and will likely cost you hundreds of dollars even if you do get a fairly healthy one. They are an exotic pet and not right for everyone.

Also not very many vets in the area can do much with hedgehogs, ( I found this out when mine was in need of some serious care) The nearest one is in Nashville, TN Though there are a few in Paducah that can do some small check ups, ect on them.

[The poster then goes on to list all the things a hedghog needs to thrive]

You thought this post was going to be Ron Jeremy-related, didn’t you? It’s not the post itself that’s awesome so much as the chain of events required for this post to exist. First, you need people to start keeping hedgehogs as pets, which is already a stretch. Next you need some out-of-work dude to decide he really needs a hedgehog, and to post this desire on Craigslist. Then, some former hedgehog owner has to see that post and decide to become Yoda to this would-be Luke Skywalker of hedgehog ownership. This is the kind of shit that makes people believe in predeterminism.

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Death Metal Vocalist Looking For Band! (Princeton Ky)
im a deathcore vocalist looking for a band. for videos of me doing vocals visit [personal information deleted]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you’re a death metal vocalist. And you’re in Princeton. Don’t get your hopes up. In all likelihood, that cart collector job at Wally World is the best you can hope for, especially given your weak grasp of punctuation and the shift key. It’s ok, though. Not everybody can be Tom Araya.

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Wanted Farm Animals (Western, Ky)
I'm wanting any farm animals that you're needing to get rid of.

This is probably a completely innocent farmer looking for some free livestock, but something about it seems sinister. Maybe it’s the directness of the post or the lack of details. You’re left wondering what will happen to these farm animals--and realizing that you probably don’t want to know.

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World of Warcraft Partner - m4w (Clarksville)
I am looking for a woman that likes to play world of warcraft and would like to hang out with me online. I am mostly looking for a woman because they have more fun and don’t take the game too seriously. Send me an email and tell me your realm so we can meet up.

I don’t think you need my help on this one.

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squeal - m4w
just want to see a women squirt thats all no touching just wantto see it in real life. if interested let me know put fishing in the subject. so i know your real and not a bot. any who well set somthing via text or email if u have a pic let me see it thanks for your time

FOR SCIENCE!

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Looking for a Christian MSU student to sweep my sister off her feet - 18 (MSU)
Hello there gentlemen of Craigslist! I have a beautiful sister (stunning, in fact.)who could be in a LTR. She goes to Murray and it wouldn’t hurt for her to meet a great guy.

You:
Christian. There is no way I am going to let you woo my baby sister if you don’t love Jesus.
Tall. If you’re not tall, that’s okay too, but I’m just telling you what she’s into.
Murray student.
Straight edge. Don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. Not even a little.
Honest. Please treat her like a lady, not a bag of crap.

Looking for a Christian MSU student to sweep my sister off her feet - 18 (MSU)
Her:
Adores Jesus
Brilliant
Strives to stay pure in every aspect of her life
Active in Christ Ambassadors
Beautiful inside and out
Needs to get out more, but not weird or anything.
Me:
Fiercely protective
Will check you out on facebook
Will need to meet you before anything happens
Has friends in high *and* low places, so don’t screw around with me.
If I like you, I will be your best friend and introduce you to what could be the love of your life. If you mess with her, I will do everything in my power to make you wish you never read this post.
“But Poster, why do you need to post on CL if she is so wonderful?” You may ask. Dear reader, let me tell you. She doesn’t go out looking for guys, so you might not ever meet her. I am just here to help things along.
She is charming, funny, and a little naïve at times, but I love her and you will too.

If this is from the sister, can you imagine how Stepford this poor girl’s parents must be? And do you know what happens to girls from overbearing conservative families when they go to college? If you do, and you can fake the whole Wally Cleaver thing, you’ve probably already answered this ad. I salute you!

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does any guy want some discreet head? - 19 -

No need to post the text of this one, since all the humor’s in the title. Seriously, how many guys do you know who would answer “no” to that question?

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looking to play at work - m4mw - 40 (Mt. Vernon)
Any one want to come over to my place of work and play after midnight. I will be alone and would like to have a little fun in the office or maybe the break room, you can call it when you get here hit me up. 5'10" brown/brown good looking 160 lbs good shape

Where the fuck does this guy work?

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lets do some trading - $1 (dexter ky)
I have a few diffrent things, I have 3 aluminum beer advertisment signs brand new shape, a picture of jeff gordon and dale sr. In the garage together. A couple more nascar things, a work out bench, a busch beer bar mirror/ picture you will never see another one like it. A classic work out bike, a 12 disc cd player to mount under the seat of your vehicle have owners manual remote and all. What do ya got? [personal information deleted] no junk

This guy is livin’ THE LIFE!

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wedding dress - $175
I have a wedding dress that I would like to sell for $175. or best offer. I would like to get a good chain saw or something along these lines. The dress size is about a 5 or 6. It belonged to an old friend and she no longer want's it around. For more info. please call me @ [deleted]. and I can send pic's through texting.

I kind of wish I had a chainsaw, just so I can tell people that I once traded a chainsaw for a wedding dress.

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glass blowing set up (cadiz, ky)
solid glass and hollow glass rods, tools, torch, and instruction book please call me at [deleted]

Can anyone think of a single non-bong related reason anyone would buy this?

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Seeking female finger or toe amputees
I am a student working on an orthopedic internship, and would like to do a case study project on females that have had a finger or toe amputated through accident or illness. The case study would be concentrated on the psychological aspect of injury and whether cosmetic or functional prosthetics would be considered, along with basic information involving the injuries. Compensation of $100 per interview is offered. contact [deleted]

I’m just amazed that this one isn’t some kind of fetish thing.