Ares
That crazy-looking hitchhiker walking down the road in rural Texas? Let him walk.

Taurus
That caretaker’s job seems like a perfect chance for you to spend some time with your family and work on your novel. The stars say otherwise.

Gemini
They call it “Camp Blood” for a reason. Seriously, go to Cancun or something instead.

Cancer
It’s kind of a long and complicated story, but your mother was a whore and lots of your friends are going to die.

Leo
Your brother’s new friends are vampires. Talk to the weird guys in the comic store. They can help.

Virgo
Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.

Libra
You will soon have red on you. But that’s really not going to be your biggest problem.

Scorpio
Avoid houses built on old Indian burial grounds. You have no idea how hard it is to convince child services that your daughter’s trapped in the TV set.

Saggitarius
Backpacking through England may sound like fun, but unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a werewolf, the stars recommend going to Italy or something instead.

Capricorn
Have you notice how the kid who can see dead people is the only person who ever talks to you? Yeah, that might be an important clue.

Aquarius
They’re zombies. The sooner you accept that, the better your chances of survival.

Pisces
Of course the house is haunted. What are you, stupid?