A lot of people have been up in arms lately about the addition of a new sign to the Zodiac. What most of these people don’t realize is that the minor change that popular culture’s so-called “astrologers” have made doesn’t fully reflect the true changes in the influences of the stars. Astrology is mysterious and uncontrollable, like magnets or the tides, and in order to truly reflect the stars’ influence on everyday life, the Zodiac needs to be completely re-designed. If you want to know your sign in the REAL new-and-improved Zodiac, read on.

Priapus (December 26 - January 19)
Priapi, like the ancient Greek fertility god they are named after, are simple, rustic nature lovers who love life and have constant erections. The priapus enjoys active, outdoor activities, especially those that involve fucking.

Teapots (January 20 - February 27)
Teapots are usually loyal and dependable people who offer comfort to the cold, the tired, the huddled masses. Despite their homey nature, those born under this sign can exhibit a steamy temper when angered or when loved ones are threatened. When a teapot is on the warpath, it’s best to stay out of the way.

Academy Award Winner William H. Macy (February 28 - March 23)
Academy Award Winner William H. Macys are known for their quirky, everyman qualities and their love of independent film. If you meet a cop who wants to open a day spa, a shovel-based crime fighter, or a professional assassin who’s obsessed with Neve Campbell, chances are that person is an Academy Award Winner William H. Macy.

Hufflepuff (March 24 - April 29)
Hufflepuffs value hard work and fair play, and loyal and tolerant of others. Hufflepuffs take life as it comes and rarely cause a ruckus, and some people find them rather boring. They like pie.

Onomatopoeia (April 30 - May 24)
BAM! POW! SNIKT!

Half-Elf Paladin (May 25 - June 18)
Half-Elf Paladins are paragons of virtue with deep faith and high moral standards. Their elven characteristics, combined with their strong belief that they are doing God’s work, makes them haughty and dickish to the extreme. Seriously, fuck those guys.

Gonzo (June 19 - July 22)
People born under this side are insightful but dangerous. Gonzos are open to any and all new experiences, and this is what probably allows them to see things from new (and often drug-fueled) points of view. Gonzos love being the center of attention almost as much as they love being three sheets to the wind.

Ninja (July 23 - August 17)
Ninjas are deadly and silent. They’re also unspeakably violent. They speak Japanese. They do whatever they please. And sometimes they vacation in Ireland. Or at least that’s what the Barenaked Ladies tell us.

Iron Man (August 18 - September 28)
Iron Men are innovators who are often gifted in the fields of science and engineering, and they are often rewarded for their intelligence with financial success. This is fortunate, because Iron Men enjoy the best in life--flashy cars, big houses, hot supermodels. Iron Men often have addictive personalities, and can be easily ruined by drugs and alcohol, sex, gambling, and other vices.

Tom Servo (September 29 - October 14)
Tom Servos are known for their acerbic wit and melodious singing voices. They love bad movies.

Machete (October 15 - November 20)
Machete will fucking kill you. Don’t fuck with machete.

Hobo (November 21 - December 25)
Hobos are the unsung heroes of America and, like Neil Patrick Harris in Harold & Kumar, they go wherever the good Lord takes them. Hobos lead simple lives and don’t really care much what other people think of them, which might be why it’s so easy for them to look at the glass as half full. Where others may smell body odor and human excrement, the hobo smells the sweet smell of freedom.