A lot of people have been up in arms lately about the addition of a new sign to the Zodiac. What most of these people don’t realize is that the minor change that popular culture’s so-called “astrologers” have made doesn’t fully reflect the true changes in the influences of the stars. Astrology is mysterious and uncontrollable, like magnets or the tides, and in order to truly reflect the stars’ influence on everyday life, the Zodiac needs to be completely re-designed. If you want to know your sign in the REAL new-and-improved Zodiac, read on.

Every organization has their hand out this time of year, and I thought hey, if you’re going to give money to help a good cause, you might as well get a little fun out of it! And what’s more fun than a night out with me? Going skinny-dipping with Salma Hayek? Drinking Jaeger shots with Zach Galifianakis? Eating mushrooms with Hunter S. Thompson? Of course he’s pretty ripe right by now, so that would probably be a bad trip.

But no! I’m way more fun than all of that combined!

And if you want to be all cool and like...”Naw, man, I totally don't want to sit across from Bella's luscious candlelit boobs while eating a big juicy piece of meat” - you can tell everyone you're just a huge supporter of the magazine and you knew I could tell a mean dirty joke. Ask me to tell you the one about Leroy; Philip and Joe love that one. I act out the voices and everything.

Our date will begin with a yummy delicious dinner at a local restaurant, followed by some heavy drinking at Mother Duncan’s, and then you will escort me to Freezor Pop Fest where we can enjoy some talented local musicians and you can meet like a million people. Of course if you want to keep me all to yourself, I understand.

But don't go thinking this date will buy you a happy ending, unless you're a very rich old man who wants to support me in the lavish lifestyle of cheap beer and fried Spam that I've become accustomed to. Dude - whatever happened to those wonderful people from yesteryear who just gave you money to make art? Benefactors, patrons, people buying off their guilt from shaming their art fag kids into becoming mimes in Quebec....

The contest is open to anyone who buys a $5 raffle ticket (or several), which you can purchase at Mother Duncan’s or on our website at www.bazookamagazine.com. Or you can just see me out drinking one night and I’ll hook you up! I will keep you posted on my going-out-whereabouts through the website or my Facebook, which is under Bella Bazooka. I can guarantee if you do it that way, you’ll at least get a hug or back scratch for your wonderful support!

And if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want you hanging around me because I’m a terrible influence, I totally understand. I get that a lot. In that case, if you win you can have the dinner, drinks, and Freezor Pop tickets to do with as you wish. See, aren’t I such an understanding hussy?

The proceeds of this fundraiser will help keep Bazooka Magazine on the counters of shady adult bookstores and dive bars everywhere, but it will also benefit abused and neglected children through Sunrise Children’s Services. They are a faith-based charity that operates residential treatment facilities and therapeutic foster care homes throughout the state, and through those serve nearly 400 children daily. Through their Foster Care program in Paducah and the Genesis Home for Girls in Mayfield they care for more than 30 children locally.

This raffle will serve so many useful purposes. It will be good publicity for the charity and businesses that have donated their services, it will make some money for the paper, it will help kids, and the people who hate me can finally feel vindicated for calling me a shameless whore, attention and otherwise. Everybody wins!

But don’t just take my word for it! Local lothario and lead guitarist for The Great Gatsby Jazz Funk Odyssey Tommy Buford , who’s personal credo is “Guitars, cars, and bars,” said, “Most of the time when you ask a girl out, you have no idea what to expect. Is she going to be happy or sad, is she going to be really self-involved and whine all night, will she be psycho...it’s a gamble. But with you, I know that I would just have a fucking awesome time and just laugh all night!”

I may not be a good housekeeper or know how to do algebra, but damnit, the one thing I do know is how to have a good time. So buy a raffle ticket, or 20, and let me take you out for a night of sin and debauchery – and probably a hangover the next day that is totally worth it.       

The contest has ended. If you still want to give us some money, click the Donate link on t tthe right.